My doubt is real and God is not

Sometimes I have the feeling that God is far from me. After all He exists outside of the universe, in fact outside of all creation, so in terms of distance, there is nothing that exists further from me in physical space. However, when I seek to feel God’s presence, I feel there is nothing closer to me than God and God’s love for me. So it’s a kind of paradox. God is furthest but God is closest.

Given that God’s laws are all set up for us to learn how to love, to know ourselves and ultimately come to know God, if we choose to, we can say that God desires these things for us. All of God’s laws are also expressions of God’s will and God’s desires. So if we choose to directly connect with God, it follows God’s will and desires would act upon us in much more of a substantial way. That describes one of the gifts of the relationship we can have with God, if we want that.

One of the things I struggle with however is the feeling that if I do things I know in my heart aren’t aligned with God’s will, that God would not want to offer me Her love, that I would have to be in a more pure state before I would be able to feel God again. Even though I do feel like this, it doesn’t fit with what I’ve come to know about God and God’s nature. So I experimented with that a bit.

For example, when I was really down on myself, I opened myself to have that experience of God’s presence. I then could feel God strongly and realised that it’s not God, but me that determines how close I feel to God. When I feel down, or when I feel good, God’s love doesn’t change and is always offered no matter what. Real love isn’t conditional for us, why would it be for God?

I don’t usually like to talk so frankly about these things. I suppose I question my own experiences because I still tend to view myself as inferior and unworthy of that kind of love. I could be fooling myself I’d say, I could be constructing something based on being unfulfilled and seeking to artificially fulfil it. My dad died recently, so I suppose I’m vulnerable to self-suggestions based on wanting him to be near me again. Of course that is a rational alternative to explain what I’ve experienced. I also tend to doubt my own experiences generally, my own senses could be leading me astray – could it be that I’m making this all up? It’s a legitimate question.

The interesting thing is it could all be unreal, that’s a real possibility, but I’ve yet to feel something so consistent and so real. The realness of feeling God with me feels more substantial, more real – more than anything I’ve experienced do date. Perhaps it’s my doubt that is the unreal thing here?

So I set my doubt aside, honestly it’s never served me well anyway, it’s brought sadness and fear – and I continue this relationship with God, which has always brought me happiness. It’s an easy choice really.